Fae Palace

Poem - Fleeting

I wrote this a while back…sometimes when I’m sad or my feelings become so overwhelming I write poetry.

Fleeting

Would you call it anticipation?

For I can no longer tell.

I already suffered the devastation

Now I only wish things to be well.

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Why now, do you communicate?

It’s hard to understand;

It will only start to complicate

Feelings already out of hand.

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Why do you begin to exaggerate?

I showed my hurt through drinking.

Your mind won’t seem to cooperate, (I know,)

I can’t seem to stop the thinking –

You have the same trouble in sleeping.

But surely, for you, that can only be fleeting? 

Banging my head against the wall…

Blurgggg!!!

Feel like banging my head against the wall…for several reasons…

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One: - Some fool was banging somewhere near me…and I really felt like going to find them and punching them against the wall to same the rhythm that their banging seemed to be in time to…

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Two: - I feel like I’m making more of an effort than someone else…it’s really annoying…I really need to keep to my resolve, but end up doing something I really shouldn’t have…

I just can’t seem to help myself…but oh well…it’s my fault it’s like that anyway…

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Three: - Inspiration, Inspiration, where for art thou? Seriously where have you gone? I really need you right now. I want to do my portfolios…have them done, and then go on to the boring stuff, of reports, course and reading, with a process analysis or two…and then several synopses…(is that even how you spell it?)

I don’t like feeling stress when it comes down to the last few hours to write something, and finally manage to write something…seriously, what is that about??? And I really don’t like having to do things last minute.

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Four: - Is there a four…? I don’t know myself…

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But…yeah…that’s it for now…in the annoyance department…

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I have reasons to be happier…I went to town…for the first in ages to actually shop…I’m not particularly a fan of shopping. It’s troublesome, tiring and there are slow people, who insist on walking really slowly and there is no way to overtake them when there are so many people are around…

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But yeah, bought 2 sets of earphones…mine break so easily and always need my music…

And also bought two dvds…The Crying Freeman and Lady Vengence.

I saw The Crying Freeman years ago…and liked, so naturally when I saw it in HMV I was so going to buy it, when I’ve never seen it in the shops before.

Not that the man serving me wasn’t sceptical or anything about my age…but he said “I believe you, if that’s what you say”…sure you did.

I did offer to show my ID…but still what the hell…did he think that I was about to pull out some fake ID or something, that is the impression I got…it’s not like I have an older sister to pretend to be…

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Ah well…this is what I get for shopping…

Sometimes…

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder…

…and then I laugh…^^

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No, sometimes I can’t help but wonder at myself. Do I be totally honest or just say the surface thoughts? I do wonder at this.

Geez, I keep so much boiling below the surface that sometimes I wonder if I’m just going to explode with so much heat and anger that someone might die in the process. I don’t try to let that happen again…I scare myself with it. It’s just like you have so much anger and so many feelings at once, that you just don’t know how to handle it.

That’s why if I get angry, I like to go walking. It means that I will walk off the feelings, rather than throw a hissy fit. Not something anyone wants to see, if you ask me…

But anyway…not been that angry in years…So much control…. X) I wish!!!

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Urgggg…Writing for Radio…why do we not get to pick our modules anymore??? It’s so annoying. Probably would never have picked to do this in all my “immortality”…

(lol to Darren and Zak here!! Hehe…sure made me laugh! And sure that you had a right good laugh yourselves!!! X) )

Presentations and Split Personalities…

So I have a presentation to write this week, hopefully the bulk of it will be done today…

But I was thinking of writing about my “Persona” piece…and for that I have been looking into Split Personality Disorders.

So far, I have found out that according to the disorder, my character didn’t infact have a split personality. So once I have looked more into it, I will find out just want his diagnosis is…

I should really finish the piece of writing.

The piece is meant to be a monologue…so my character is basically having a conversation with himself. So naturally, not knowing that much about brain disorders, I assumed he had a split personality.

So…now I really need to get on with it…

 

And with a special comment out to Darren…thanks for the great conversations, usually ending up with a lot of laughter…^_^ Much love to you.

(Let’s just hope that you read this!!)

…Aiming to sleep…z.Z.Z

Should probably go to bed…but I probably won’t be able to sleep…

Become something of a habit of mine…not that I want to be an insomniac, definitely not how I would choose to spend my night, but that’s how it has been for months now, hardly get to have a decent amount of sleep at night.

I had this last year as well. But it wasn’t as bad and at least I didn’t mind the reason that I wasn’t sleep last year. I would just lie awake and wait until the sun was about to rise, get dressed and then go for a walk in the park. I loved taking photos, writing and saying “hello” to the other early risers; (even shedding a tear or two, mainly while writing…and it was usually cold ^^). It makes me smile to remember about it.

But now…I guess I’m just more unhappy than last year. Such dramatics from people take that out of you, and I have begun to feel less and less fond of staying here. I don’t want to be drained by others emotions. It takes too much out of me and then I want to hide.

It’s that horrible trapped feeling. You can’t breathe and you are struggling not to be taken under. The same feeling I get when I like someone. I can’t help but want to run away. And I’m no good at explaining these feelings and so I end up hurting them. But then there are regrets that can’t be taken back.

Another regret I have is from last year. It will stay with me for the rest of my life and I won’t forgive myself. But this may also have affected the trapped feeling. I guess you are meant to learn from your mistakes, but I guess uni changes people. I know it did for me.

The freedom is something that affected me. From being sensible and then changing because of that…

All these things that boil down to make me into the person I am today…not as good as I should be and was before.

But now there are more types of stress to combat again, all for coming back to uni after Christmas. I’m not sure if I’m going to handle anything well. I haven’t been for months; even if I’m trying to hide it. I guess I’ll see how it goes. I’m not feeling hopeful though; (though that seems to change everyday.)

Then again, little things can change me from feeling not too bad to practically depressed, in a second…

So off to Dreamland I aim to go…

Goodnight, everyone.

Poems inspired by “Burnt Norton” - T.S. Eliot

This was an exercise set for my first year at uni. I thought that I would share it on my blog…to nobody…as yet!!! XD

But these 2 poems I really enjoyed writing.

Those phrases in bold are from “Burnt Norton”.

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One poem is for the sound of phrases, what we thought sounded good, while the idea one was what we liked the idea of within the phrases.

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Variation on a Theme

Four Quartets – “Burnt Norton” – T.S.Eliot

Sound

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Footfalls echo down the memory, of the passage we did not take

The drift of stars

Turning shadow into transient beauty

Filled with fancies, but empty of meaning

That which is only living can only die

The roses have the look of flowers that have been looked at

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Roses will adorn the paths, long forgotten

By our fleeting thoughts and fancies,

So that one day we will look back

To the footsteps of the child that grew.

Just a memory in time that echoes down the line

Broken by the emptiness of forlorn shadows,

Waiting for their time to rest;

But there they remain, eternally present,

Dreaming of hopes, forever transient.

Are their dreams in vain?

For they are just the memory

Of what we will once have been.

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Idea

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To be conscious is not to be in time

Humankind cannot bear too much reality

Turning shadow into transient beauty

That which is only living can only die

Love is itself unmoving

At the still point of the turning world

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Stopping the world, for but a moment

To peer in at the reality our kind is blind to.

Why so afraid to die? I ask, with no reply

Yet anxious to live in this world – fading

In and out of time, unmoving

As the love you once shared unconditionally.

Now embittered, filled with truths

You hide in the shadow of the world,

Waiting. Watching. Beauty wanes into nothingness.

My posts….

Wow, I think that all my posts on my blogs end on a really negative note.

I noticed and thought that I would comment on it. How funny!!!

Isn’t that what these blog things are for? To let people comment on them and for me to comment on them myself. How funny!!!

But writing a blog now reminds me of the film “Julie & Julia”

Really enjoyable film!!

There a positive note - haha, a really great film. Watch it and see for yourself :)

Of course, you are entitled to your own opinion on the subject. :D